So much pain!

So, I’ve been under General anesthetic for 12 different surgeries in my 37 years. But even ankle surgery, hip surgery, and 3 cesareans could not prepare me for the carnage of Sinus surgery. The procedures I was having done were relatively common, however, they did find it was a lot worse than expected when they got in there. One of the things they were hoping to do was impossible due to the “hardness” of the bone after so many infections. So whether this was the cause, or I’m just a wuss, I’m not sure? But I would NEVER do it again! If I manage to suffer from fewer sinus infections from now on, I suppose it will have been worth it, so fingers crossed. But otherwise, it was the worst decision ever.

I was all scheduled for surgery and was so bloody exhausted, that the thought of undergoing a general anesthetic and spending a night in hospital with no children, was very appealing. That may sound strange, but I was actually looking forward to being unconscious.

Before the surgery, we decided to spend the Grand Final long weekend up at our onsite caravan, for the first time since Edward was born. We thought it would be a nice family weekend away before my surgery. Well, it would have been, except that Edward slept even more poorly than at home and we had a MAJOR mishap on our final afternoon. We had taken an extra day and weren’t planning to return to Melbourne until Monday. So, on Sunday afternoon we headed to our favourite winery, walking distance to the caravan park. Complete with a kids playground. Heaven.

But 5 minutes before closing, we were watching the 2 kids playing on the playground and discussing how nice it was that no other kids were there and our two had the equipment all to themselves. Now I even feel sick to my stomach writing this and remembering it so vividly. It happened in slow motion. Alex was swinging on the monkey bars, which he had become a master at since starting school. The next second, we see Nate reach for the monkey bars to copy his brother. We were out of our seats and yelling out to him as it happened. We watched him fall (from a larger than regulation height monkey bar, I might add) completely spread-eagled, to face plant on the hard ground. Screaming ensued and as we got to him, all I could see was blood. I’m ashamed to admit that I let Craig move in to pick him up as I just couldn’t bear to look at the wound and see all the blood. Instead, I took on the “management” role and ran inside to speak to the staff and call an ambulance. Now I like to believe that if Craig wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have hesitated, but the sight of such an open wound and so much blood really freaked me out. The staff were great and once the bleeding had been covered and he had gone all sleepy, he wanted mummy and I was there to comfort him.

Unfortunately, being in the Alpine area, and far away from a major hospital, an ambulance was hours away. Even though he had a suspected head or neck injury, from the angle he fell, we were still too far away to get help quickly. We also had no car, as we had walked from the caravan park. We had people offering to drive us but not many people could fit a family of five (three of which needing child seats) in their car! So Alexander and I hightailed it back to the caravan park with Edward in the pram, jogging the entire way, to pick up our essentials and grab the car.

After picking Craig and Nate up from the winery we headed to the local hospital. They were so lovely and wonderful there. Although it quickly became obvious that he would need to be sedated to get stitched up. It was a very large wound and there was no way he was going to keep still. No amount of bribery or cuddling was going to help. Even when they were just trying to look and give it a clean, he was thrashing around so wildly. All the while saying “no thank you, no thank you, no thank you!” At least he was being polite. Haha

So being a small local hospital, they weren’t set up to sedate a child. They recommended we drive to the nearest town with a larger hospital for treatment. So we drove past the caravan and packed up the car as quick as humanly possible. It was an hour drive away so we planned to continue home afterwards to avoid doubling back.

Upon arrival at the hospital, he had fallen asleep and I had to carry him into ED. Covered in blood and completely floppy, I hate to think what we must have looked like. Again, we couldn’t fault the service and attention. They were able to rule out a head injury, which was a huge relief. However, at this stage, it was around 10 pm and they said they wouldn’t like to sedate a child when they didn’t have full staff. So we were told to come back in the morning! But we had nowhere to sleep! We’d left the porta cot at the caravan in our haste, so couldn’t even just grab a hotel room and the idea of a 2-hour return trip back to the caravan was not even considered.

We asked if it was safe enough to drive back to Melbourne instead of waiting and thankfully, they said yes. Poor Craig had to drive as I was so drained and emotional that I could not have gotten us home safely. I kept one arm bent back behind me touching Nate for most of the trip, just to make sure he was still breathing. Craig drove from approximately 11 pm-3 am and got us home safe and sound. Dad of the year!

I was then able to take Nate up to Monash children’s hospital and leave everyone else at home. No point in making a bad situation worse, by trying to also entertain 2 other kids!

Nearly 19 hours since the accident, they finally dosed him up with Ketamine and got to work. This was very surreal as he was still conscious, but unphased by the procedure. It also shows how quickly kids heal, as the wound had already started to close over. Being that it had never been cleaned, they had to open it back up to clean it before stitching him up. Needless to say, we went home relieved and exhausted.

So the fact that my Sinus surgery was the very next day, made the general anaesthetic even more appealing!

The surgery itself went fine, except that they couldn’t quite do everything they had hoped. I’ve suffered from terrible headaches since I was 19 and the hope was, that by unblocking the sinus area above my left eye, this would help. Unfortunately, they needed larger tools to get to it than expected and being so close to my eye, it wasn’t worth the risk of damaging the optic nerves.

Anyway, I woke up and because of all the painkillers, I felt ok. The trouble came once I got home.

Block your nose completely, with your hand so that absolutely NO AIR can get in, so you just breathe through your mouth. Now imagine being like that, non-stop, night and day, for a week! Now some people probably wouldn’t find this so bad. But I felt like I was suffocating or drowning and constantly on the verge of a panic attack. It was the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. The pain itself was bad, but painkillers helped. It was more the suffocating sensation that drove me mad. Add to that, the occasional knock to the nose from the kids. Never intentionally, but especially Edward who was only 6 months old, and still breastfeeding. The recovery was also a lot slower than anticipated. The fact I couldn’t just completely rest in bed probably didn’t help. But you know, 3 kids! Even though mum was a huge help, as well as Craig when he wasn’t at work, I was still breastfeeding and babies generally just want their Mumma.

So after 6 days, I went back to the ENT and had the stitches and packing removed. This was a touch earlier than scheduled, but I just couldn’t cope any longer. Upon removal, I felt immediate relief and could breathe again. Hallelujah! For the first time in as long as I could remember, I could also comfortably breathe through my nose, with my mouth shut. Happy days.

Only a couple of days later the pain became worse again, so I headed back to the surgeon. Low and behold I had an infection. The packing that was still there was meant to dissolve on its own, but that also hadn’t happened. So a quick and uncomfortable little procedure in his rooms, to remove the packing, certainly helped a little but I was back on antibiotics for the infection.

This just went on and on. I think I was on antibiotics for over 2 months and am still, 6 months later, having to use a steroid rinse every second day. Needless to say, this did nothing for my mental health and general state of exhaustion and hopelessness.

We decided to try our luck and head back up to the caravan for the Melbourne Cup long weekend. With my cousin and her family also coming along. We had a great time. With Halloween being in the same week, the caravan park did a wonderful “Trick or Treat” night and the kids were all having a ball.

However, I was really struggling with Edward. He was so upset and grizzly all the time. Even when I was holding him. There was just no relief. He wouldn’t sleep, wasn’t feeding well and I was strung very, very tight. One particular day, we had all gone out and I was desperately trying to manage all 3 boys on my own, while Craig rode his bike to meet us. Nothing was going to plan. I wanted Edward to sleep on the drive, but he didn’t. Nate fell asleep instead, so when we arrived, we had to wait in the car as I didn’t have a pram for him. Then Alex needed the loo. So I had to wake Nate up and take them all to find a toilet. Then the toilets I found were downstairs, but I had a pram. It was just one thing after another.

Later that day, I was trying to get Edward to sleep in the Ergo and he was fighting me tooth and nail. My cousin took him and the carrier and went for a walk, to give me a break. I broke down that day and knew I wasn’t coping. It felt like he didn’t “love me” and was doing it all on purpose. I know that wasn’t the case and probably sounds silly to a rational person. But by this point, I felt like a total failure and that everything I was doing was wrong. The logical part of my brain had switched off.

The final afternoon of the trip was the breaking point. We went back to our favourite winery (yes, the same one, where Nate split his chin open). We were having a wonderful time and Nate was steering well clear of the monkey bars. The sun was shining, the kids were playing, the food and wine were delightful and I had lots of help with Edward. Then I went to tell the kids we were getting ready to leave, and not for the first time, so I started to “count to 10”. You know the old threat. “If you don’t come here by the time I count to 10!..”

By the count of 3, Alex had let go of the monkey bars and in his haste, had put his hand out and broke his wrist! Now we didn’t know this right away. There was no obvious fracture but his behaviour wasn’t a good sign. We calmed him down and he seemed ok, but he wouldn’t stop cradling it. It was early evening by now and since we were able to distract him, we were hoping for the best. But overnight he started whimpering and I just knew. To avoid the run around that occurred last time we needed a hospital in the Alpine region, we decided to dose him with some Panadol, packed up the car and headed home. As soon as we were able to drop off Craig and the 2 younger boys, Alex and I headed to the hospital. Many many many hours later, we were almost sent home without even an X-ray! They seemed to think he wasn’t “upset enough” for it to be broken. But my Mumma instinct kicked in and I insisted. I know my baby and he is very sensitive but also very brave. I knew he was in pain by his behaviour and general “quietness”.

After finally getting an X-ray, they established he in fact had 2 fractures! Thank goodness for that Mumma instinct! If only that instinct had stopped me “counting to 10” the day before, this may never have happened. It didn’t help that Alex kept telling everyone that it was “mummy who made me rush”

The guilt over these 2 quite serious mishaps with the kids, in such a short period and feeling like it was all my fault, the exhaustion of having 3 boys, with the baby still being only 6 months old, the pain from having Sinus surgery and all its continual complications, trying to get back to work and also trying to fit in my own exercise. It all just overwhelmed me.

I felt that I was failing at being a mum and that I didn’t deserve to have my three beautiful boys. I thought they would be better off without me.

For the first time in 6.5 years of being a mother, I called the MCHN hotline and broke down. The chain of events that followed was a testament to our health care system. From the hotline to the GP, to a perinatal mental health unit. It all happened very fast, as it needs to in these situations, the next thing I knew I was in the “looney bin”.

But more on that, next time.......

Love to you + your tribe

Casey xxx