Our growing family

So with a 5-year-old and nearly 2-year-old, we have embarked on the journey to hopefully have a 3rd and final child. This has not been a smooth road. I will go into more detail about the pregnancies, births and postpartum challenges of our 2 boys in future posts. But the decision to try and have a 3rd child was certainly a tricky one.

My hubby Craig is one of 2 children, so he always thought 2 was a perfect number. I am from a family of 3 kids, so I always thought 3 was the perfect number. Before we got married, I remember the conversations we had about this. I am what you might call an "obsessively organised" person (which is be putting it mildly). I tend to look 10 years into the future and try to make decisions that I think will be best for later down the track. So there we were, happily engaged, and I thought we needed to lock down this number and agree before we were married. To avoid complications down the line. Anyway, thank goodness my husband is more logical and level headed than myself. As he so accurately reminded me, there was no guarantee we would even be able to have 1 child! Let alone 2 or 3! So could we not argue about numbers until the time came. I acquiesced and we agreed we would try for at least 2 children and after that, we would re-assess our situation.

After an easy conception and a smooth pregnancy with baby #1, Alex, we were in for a horrible birth experience followed by a serious bout of post-natal depression. But more on that later.

This pregnancy was then followed by 2 traumatic miscarriages which made us think we would never have another child. This was the hardest time of my life and I could never have imagined how hard it is to lose a baby until it happened to us (will share more on this in later posts).

Low and behold, we managed to fall pregnant and hold on to our 2nd son, Nate, although this pregnancy was full of complications and worry (again, more on this later). I can't begin to explain the relief once he was born and he was perfectly healthy. I don’t think I have ever been so happy! Then, in contrast to the very hard and stressful pregnancy, and the PND experience after Alex, I was able to enjoy the newborn phase with Nate. So much so, that it became abundantly clear to me; I wanted one more...

So here we are, 2 years later. After lots of joking, insinuating, and off the cuff comments about our "3rd child" my hubby finally confided in me that he was happy to have a 3rd child, but was absolutely terrified about the process and going through it all again. He said that every time he saw my name appear on his phone during our pregnancy with Nate, his stomach would flip with anxiety and worry over what was possibly wrong. He had never expressed how hard he had found it to watch me have the 2 miscarriages and feel so helpless. He was quite satisfied with our 2 boys if it meant he never had to experience that level of concern and emotional anguish again.

Unfortunately, I knew that if we just decided to stop at our 2 little men, I would always feel like something or someone was missing. I would not feel complete. Every time someone tells me they are pregnant or I see a pregnant Mumma or new baby out and about, I am immediately filled with jealously. But how to explain this physical and emotional torment to a male who doesn't know what it feels like to carry a life inside you?

So after some pretty deep conversations, we decided to "give it a go" and let the universe decide. We would not get too technical with dates, ovulation cycles, basal body temperatures etc (although I have not managed to keep up this part of the deal!) We agreed that we both couldn’t cope with continuing to try and fall pregnant again if we had another miscarriage. But I also couldn't fathom being satisfied with my 2 boys unless we gave it a red hot go.

So right now, we are 4 months in and I am trying to remain hopeful and relaxed (although relaxed is not really part of my personality). I am back seeing the fertility acupuncturist that I started to see after my previous miscarriages. Trying to exercise, sleep well and eat as healthy as possible. All with the intention that I am trying my best and if it's meant to be, it will be. And if it's not meant to be, I can live with my 2 beautiful little men and know that for reasons I will never know, I am destined to be a mother of 2 and am lucky and thankful for that. Fingers crossed to us!!!!!

With love to you + your tribe,

Casey xxx